When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband...... at all times
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no reason
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area
When you are dating..... He understands if you "aren't in the mood"
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare
When you are dating..... He calls you by name
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She.
Showing posts with label Dirty Sms Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dirty Sms Jokes. Show all posts
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Bull's Performance
A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t look at the cows. His friend suggests a veterinarian should have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted, “The bull has not only taken care of all my cows, but also broke through the fence, and even serviced all my neighbor’s cows!” “Wow!” exclaims his friend, “What did the vet do to that bull?” The farmer replies, ”Just gave him some pills.” “What kind of pills?” asks his friend. “I don’t know, but they kinda taste like peppermint.”
Turn Around
Kramer goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".
Kramer just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?"
In a very weak voice Kramer says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Kramer said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"
Kramer just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?"
In a very weak voice Kramer says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Kramer said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"
Getting A Second Option
A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!”, he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer the phone?” The wife responds, “I was in bed.” Puzzled the doctor asked “What were you doing in bed this late?” To which the wife replied, “Getting a second opinion.”
Wife Alone In The Home
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Damn Thing Must Be An Hour First
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'
The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'
The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'
Menu At Dinner
A rural family was given some venison from a friend. The wife carefully prepared deer steaks and served it to her husband and their children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what they were eating for dinner.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Julie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Will asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Will exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Husband said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Will!" cried Julie, "We're eating Asshole!"
"Is is beef?" The daughter Julie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Will asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Will exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Husband said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Will!" cried Julie, "We're eating Asshole!"
My Husband's Home
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired. “Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
Five Dollars From Grand Ma
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
Pickle Pennis My Ass
There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.
The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".
So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"
Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".
So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"
Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
Pickle Pennis My Ass
There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.
The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".
So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"
Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".
So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"
Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
Five Dollars From Grand Ma
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
My Husband's Home
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired. “Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
Menu At Dinner
A rural family was given some venison from a friend. The wife carefully prepared deer steaks and served it to her husband and their children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what they were eating for dinner.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Julie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Will asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Will exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Husband said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Will!" cried Julie, "We're eating Asshole!"
"Is is beef?" The daughter Julie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Will asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Will exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Husband said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Will!" cried Julie, "We're eating Asshole!"
Damn Thing Must Be An Hour First
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'
The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'
The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'
Queen Visit At Hospital
The Queen visits a major hospital to open a new ward.
She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.
On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.
She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.
She asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?"
The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."
"Oh, OK then," the queen said, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans.
She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.
The queen asks her escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"
Her nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!"
She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.
On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.
She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.
She asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?"
The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."
"Oh, OK then," the queen said, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans.
She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.
The queen asks her escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"
Her nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!"
Wife Alone In The Home
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Getting A Second Option
A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!”, he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer the phone?” The wife responds, “I was in bed.” Puzzled the doctor asked “What were you doing in bed this late?” To which the wife replied, “Getting a second opinion.”
Turn Around
Kramer goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".
Kramer just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?"
In a very weak voice Kramer says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Kramer said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"
Kramer just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?"
In a very weak voice Kramer says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Kramer said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"
Change During Dating And Marriage
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband...... at all times
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no reason
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area
When you are dating..... He understands if you "aren't in the mood"
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare
When you are dating..... He calls you by name
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband...... at all times
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no reason
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area
When you are dating..... He understands if you "aren't in the mood"
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare
When you are dating..... He calls you by name
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She.
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