Dirty Lawyer

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

I've My Lawyer's Picture Here

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket again, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.
The bartender asked, "I’ve got to ask you. What’s with the pocket business?"
"Oh," said the drunk, "I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough."

I'm A Lawyer

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

You Must Be About 150 Years Old

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 150 years old!"

Heaven And Hell

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"

"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.

"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.

"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

It Sounds So Much LiKE cAR

Lawyer: Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you.

You owe me $600 now and $355.85 a month for the next 48 months.

Client: "I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds so much like car payments!"

Lawyer: "Yeah, you're actually right -- mine."

Cost Of Freedom

Client: What’s the fee of divorce?

Lawyer: 10000 $.

Client: But fee of our marriage registration was 100$.

Lawyer: Cost of freedom is always high!!

Testify In Court

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

What Is The Nature Of The New Evidence

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

My Father Sued Me For The Money

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?” asked the investment counselor.

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and said, “My father sued me for the money.”

My Daddy Plays Piano In A Whorehouse.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

All Attorneys Are Assholes

A biker walks into a yuppie bar. He orders a shot and a beer and drinks them down. Then he stands up, turns around and yells "All attorneys are assholes." Well this one guy comes right up to him and says "You take that back right now!" The biker says "Why, are you an attorney?" He replies "No, I’m an asshole"

Difference Between A Lawyer And A Terrorist

What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Bored And Frustrated Judge

A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."

Go To Hell

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

My Rolex

A lawyer was driving his Ford down the street, singing to himself, "I love my Ford." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He survived, but his car was Crashed. "My car! My car!" he sobbed.

Another man was driving by and cried out, " you're bleeding! your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, sobbed again, "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

You Wake Him Up

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: “I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep.”

The Judge ruled: “You put him to sleep… You wake him up.”

I Want To Divorce My Wife

Client: I want to divorce my wife.

Lawyer: Why?

Client: She didn’t talk to me for last 6 month.

Lawyer: Think twice. you can’t find such a wife again!!

"How Much For Lawyer Brain?"

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

I'm Really Screwing Someome

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"

He said, "Why yes I am!", so they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered,"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"